Anne Widdecombe MP (Nearly!)

After having a go at sporting events and other avenues, I decided to move into politics and went down to Sheffield to "give it" to Anne Widdecombe as she was on a walkabout during the build up to the General Election.

My train arrived late and, after getting on the route she was supposed to be on, I was told that there had been a protest by the British National Party and because of that she had been whisked away to a secret location.

After travelling all the way down there I didn't fancy a wasted journey so I bribed a journalist with a four month old crusty cob into revealing where she'd been taken. Once I knew where she was, I went into a phone box and changed into my Velcro super-suit, then myself and the mate I was with, who I shall call Agent Triple X, jumped into a taxi and headed off in search of the large German helmeted one!

The taxi driver took us out into the countryside and as we were driving along in between fields, there it was! A pub in the middle of no-where with a police van parked outside and Anne's helicopter parked in the field next to it. Time to go into action!
I got out about 100 yards from the pub clutching a toy plastic army helmet, which fitted in with my title of the day that I had written across my chest: "GENERAL ERECTION" and my trusty black sports bag.

Agent triple X carried on to the pub so he could be ready to take pictures when the moment came.

As I got to the pub car park, a sense of dread came over me when I noticed that there were a few SAS-style looking men in suits with bulges on the inside of their jackets, - I kid you not! The pub was ringed with Special Branch to protect the large one!

At that moment I didn't know whether to go to the loo or phone my mother and wondered what the SB must have thought about the guy walking into the car park with an army hat in one hand, black bag in the other and trousers split open at the back! (This is the first time I have ever split my pants with a fart!).

It was too late to turn around as I had obviously been watched walking up the road to the pub, so I just had to try and blag my way through it if need be.

As I walked past the first guy, who was giving me a heart stopping stare, I said the first thing that came into my head, "Is the pub open mate?"

He nodded, not knowing whether to jump me or ask me to get him a packet of smokey bacon, and I headed to the door. My heart was now pounding so much that it was nearly hitting me on the chin! Sod this for a game of soldiers!

As I reached the door, all thoughts of taking my clothes off slowly vanishing, I heard triple X shout my name. I turned and saw him still in the taxi at the back of the car park and walked over to him. When I got there I put my hand on the roof, to guard what I was saying and spoke to my mate through the window. He had a look of sheer panic on his face and told me what I already thought, that the suits were Special Branch.

As we spoke, wondering the best course of action, from under my arm, I could see a couple of suits approaching us. Where's Captain Cock when you need him?!!

Before they reached the taxi, one of them spoke into the lapel of his jacket and then they turned around and headed towards the door of the pub. Seizing the opportunity to escape, I jumped into the cab and told the driver to "DRIVE!!!"

The poor fella didn't have a clue what was going on, or realise that he was a get-away driver, and drove around the car park and out the other side. Once we were on the road and driving past the front of the pub, we saw that Anne had come out, hence the reason the suits turned and headed for the door. So in a way, the large one saved our smokey bacon. While she was being protected, she was protecting us!

As we fled, the stares we received felt as though they would break the glass they were coming through - and then we were gone!