Mr Universe

Seeing as I'd tried to do Miss World, I thought that I may as well try and do her counterpart, Mr Universe!

The contest was being held at the Southport Floral Pavilion, just outside Liverpool. I arrived an hour after the contest had begun, as I'd been busy getting my hair done into the style of a helmet free, motorbike riding shoplifter. I had a friend write the slogan on my back earlier and took with me my trusty bag, containing a streaker accessory.

When I told the guy on the door that I was supposed to meet a friend, who was performing in the show earlier, (usual load of bull) he said that it was O.K. and let me through - without paying the 25 entrance fee - ta very much!

Once inside, I found a seat at the back and started to weigh up the situation. I'd never done anything like this before so had to check out how I was going to get on and where I was to to make my escape - if possible! Theatres are usually easy to escape from, as there are always exit doors next to the stage, in case of fire (smouldering love eggs more like). What you have to do is make sure that there is no-one standing in front of it when you jump on and seeing as it only takes a couple of minutes to perform, there shouldn't be anyone there when you jump off, unless you pick the interval to do it and then you have to wrestle a Cornetto to get out!

As I looked around the theatre for a better seat, I noticed a few empty, four rows from the front, on the end of an aisle, just by the exit, so I headed down to them. When I sat down, I farted, which brought funny looks from Mr Plastic, a few seats away.

When I told him that I usually light them, he asked me if I was an arsonist? I told him "No, but you're close!". Maybe this is a definition of what I do!

The first opportunity I got, I was going to go for it, preferably during the judging of each class, when the stage would be empty (as I didn't like the idea of being grabbed by Arnold Whatsisname), so took off my trainers and put them in my bag. I then took my accessory out, - a cape - and put it across my legs, so that I could take my 'GUESS what I'm going to do' jeans off discreetly (I didn't have my suit with me as I was having it enlarged by a tent manufacturer).

After taking them off, I put them in my 'streaker bag', but as soon as I did, a security guard came out of the exit in front of me and stood there watching the show. What was I going to do? The cape didn't quite reach my arse and half of my left bum cheek was hanging out! I just had to hope that he didn't look at me, otherwise what would it look like? I was sat, naked from the waist down, with a piece of cloth covering my todger, watching a stage full of near naked men! Where's the Cornetto woman when you need her?

I tried to lean over to my left as much as possible, without Mr Plastic, on my right, thinking that I wanted him to light a fart for me! All being well, I would go at the first opportunity I had, hoping that my cover wouldn't be blown (if you'll pardon the expression!).

I waited nearly an hour, sweating from every pore, until the end of the contest when the overall winner was announced, for the security guard to go. When he did, I went for it straight away! I pulled my t-shirt off, threw it in my bag, put the cape over my head, grabbed my bag and ran up the steps and onto the stage. The slogan i had on my chest was "CAPT COCK FROM
KENNY" relating to Kensington, the area I used to live in!

When I got to the middle of the stage, I put my bag down and shouted "Good evening ladies and gentlemen. My name is Captain Cock and I'm from Kenny!" then proceeded to strike a lat spread pose, pulling a stupid face at the same time. As I did, the Compare said over the microphone "Bloody hell, this fella's got a lot of bottle jumping on with something that small!" which I thought was a bit silly, as virtually every guy on stage had nothing to brag about!

When I turned around to laugh at him, I thought I noticed somebody coming at me from the back of the stage, so I shouted "Captain Cock is now leaving the building!" picked up my bag and jumped off the stage. I ran to the exit, banged open the doors, ran through the corridor, banged open the street doors and was out. I kept on running but couldn't get the thought out of my head of twenty body-builders chasing me along Southport prom, cape flowing in the wind shouting "You can't do this, I'm Captain Cock!".

When I turned around, there was no-one there, so I put my clothes back on and made my way to the train station, proclaiming myself "CAPTAIN COCK, SLAYER OF THE UNIVERSE".

A couple of months later, a friend came up to me in the street, laughing his head off, clutching a body-building magazine and said "Look at this!" Inside was a photograph of me, on stage at the contest doing the lat spread pose, saying "Captain Cock, who are you. Where are you?" and asked for me to get in touch with them so they could send me some supplements to build myself up! I rang them and told them that there was no need for me to take any body-building supplement as I was now in training to storm a darts match!