Liverpool vs. Arsenal (Coca Cola Cup)

I was sat with a few friends one evening in the pub, watching the Liverpool v Arsenal Coca Cola Cup game on the TV. It wasn't a very exciting game, so I decided to go and liven it up a bit!

I got one of my mates to write ''NIL'' at the top of my back and draw an arrow coming up from my bum ('arse-nil'), then at half time I asked my mates to mind my pint for me, and jumped into a taxi headed for Anfield.

I didn't have much money on me, so I was going to try and bunk in. I got out outside the Shankley Gates and tried to figure out how to get in. There were a few lads standing around, so I asked them if they could cause a distraction to the stewards on the gates of the Centenary Stand. When I told them what I was planning on doing, they enthusiastically agreed and we headed off towards the gates. As we got there, the lads  pretended to try and bunk in and, as the stewards went to grab them, I ran past and got in. I carried on running until I came to steps leading onto the pitch. At the top were two policemen and a steward, the same as the Derby, so I walked up behind them and took my clothes off, while only inches away. They were watching the game and didn't notice me until it was too late!  When all my clothes were off, I calmly said ''excuse me'' and pushed past them. Before they knew what was going on, I was half way down the steps heading for the pitch. A few seconds later, I vaulted the wall and was on!

I hadn't planned on doing anything in particular during the streak, I didn't have time to think of anything. It was a split second decision, so I relied on my wit and wobbly arse to create the humour. It was absolutely FREEZING, and the pictures prove it! Well they would if it were not for that pesky fig leaf! 

There's no saving me David!

I ran around waving my arms about trying to keep warm. I got to the penalty spot and started doing press-ups in front of David Seaman, but after doing two I was knackered and thought about my pint on the bar in the pub. I got up, shook hands with Seaman, then handed myself in to the police who were waiting at the side of the pitch. 

David Seaman: One of England's Finest!

One of the policemen took me up the steps that I had run down and gave me my clothes. As I got dressed, the policeman turned to me and said, ''That was funny mate. Come and take a bow!'' Then, to my surprise, instead of taking me through the stadium to the police charge room, he paraded me in front of the Arsenal crowd, to which I got a standing ovation. Top copper! I was then charged, released on bail and was back in the pub 40 minutes after I had left. My pint was even still on the bar! That's what you call a professional! 

My mates couldn't believe it and to be honest, neither could I!  I was later fined £250 and banned from every football stadium in the country for 12 months.

Time to find somewhere else to perform!