Liberal Democrats - Charles Kennedy 2001
After the failed attempt on Anne Widdecombe MP, I still had my mind set on an MP but didn't know which one to 'take out', until I received a phone call from a friend in London who told me that the Liberal Democrats were holding a conference down there that was open to the public. Thanks very much, I'm on my way! As soon as I arrived in London I headed straight to my mates house and had him write the slogans on my body.
Again I had "GENERAL ERECTION" across my chest, but this time I also had a "V'' on one arse cheek and "TE" on the other. (I don't think there's any need in telling you what it spelt!). Once the art work was done, I put on my faithful suit, put the plastic army helmet I was going to wear in a plastic bag then got into a taxi and headed off to Fulham, where the conference was being held.
I really have to get a new Velcro suit made, as my arse is getting so big that every time I sit down when I've got my original one on, the back splits open and my 'cover' is blown, as it did again when I got into the taxi!
The main problem is that I cant put it back together again while it's still on and have to clench my buttocks in the hope that I can 'bite onto the material' to stop it flapping open! This didn't happen this time and when I got out of the cab I had to hold it together at the back, while trying not to look conspicuous at the same time!
When I arrived at the door of the hotel where the conference was being held, my first thoughts were that I had no chance of getting in looking as I did and there was a heavy police and security presence searching everybody's bag as they went in. What the hell! I'm here now so just go for it.
As I walked in, still holding the back of my trousers together, I had to walk through a metal detector and then hand my bag to security to be checked. The guard opened it, pulled out my plastic helmet, looked at it, looked at me and then put it back into the bag and let me through! Why he didn't ask me what it was for or why I was holding the back of my trousers together I will never know, but will always be eternally grateful!
As I walked through the small foyer, cheeks clenched and knuckles white, I thought that I had better get inside and try and find a seat that would be suitable for casting my "VoTE!".
When I got into the conference room I found that it was already nearly full to capacity, with many standing at the back by some of the TV cameras. I had to find somewhere to sit pretty quick before my suit, and my mind, fell apart! As I scanned the room, I noticed an empty seat six rows from the front and three in from the aisle and made my way towards it. After being told that it was free by the middle aged couple on the end I sat down and felt utter relief when the bare flesh of my arse made contact with the soft cushion below it. I'd made it, now all I had to do was wait!
Whilst I sat there, I glanced around, surveying the position of the security guards. There were about half a dozen to the right of the stage, my side, and a few on the left, but none at the front except for a few TV cameras. I didn't know how far I'd be able to get. Only time would tell!
As we waited for the conference to start, the couple next to me struck up a conversation. It turned out that they were from Liverpool as well, which gave us something in common to talk about and helped relax me a little as well, until they asked me my views on Charles Kennedy's policies.
Now I don't know a thing about politics, except that it is preached to us from people who, mostly, don't give a turkey how you or I live, but now I've got to try and blag my way through an intellectual conversation on the subject!
As I searched for an answer, I could feel beads of sweat building up on my forehead and my arse begin to munch the chair, so I turned to them and said that I was unsure what they were, hence the reason why I was there, and wanted to hear them first hand before I could express any opinion. What a load of bollocks!! All the time I was thinking ''just give it time love and you'll soon see my 'views'!
A short while later the conference started and, as people were introduced as they came on stage to take their seat, everybody stood up to applaud them. As I wanted to blend in with the crowd I went to stand up with them, momentarily forgetting that my arse was hanging out and quickly sat back down again. This gained me quizzical glances from the people either side of me so I feigned a bad back.
Barry Norman, the film critic, then came on and took to the rostrum as everybody sat down, and started droning on about this and that, bringing short bursts of laughter and applause from the audience, including me to keep up the charade. ''If that's the sort of thing you find funny'' I thought, "then wait until you get a bit of Scouse humour down your neck!".
When old saddlebag eyes had finished, he introduced the leader of the party and the man my crease had been sweating on,. "Mr CHARLES KENNEDY".
As Charlie came on stage, everyone rose to their feet again, except me. My back was playing up!
When the applause had died and everybody had sat back down, Charlie started his speech, and I started to breath heavy! I didn't know at what point I was going to make a move so I thought that I would give him about half an hour to get into his stride before I broke into mine!
After 25 minutes had passed, I discreetly tried to get the helmet out of the bag at my feet without bringing any unwanted attention on myself, as the room was in complete silence except for the voice of Charles. No chance! The noise from the bag and the sight of my helmet brought glances from either side of me, time to go! With hat in hand I got up and bent over, to give the impression not to spoil anyone's view (the people behind me had the best one), and excused myself past the couple on the end. Then with a fast walk I headed down the aisle, still bent over, launched myself through the TV cameras at the front, put my helmet on, ripped my suit off, jumped on stage right next to Charlie boy and shouted, "GOOD EVENING VIEWERS" while giving a three fingered salute, Benny Hill style.
Before I knew it I was mob handed by the beef brigade and frog-marched towards the exit as I shouted "SOMEBODY PHONE MY MOTHER!". The last thing I heard as I was taken outside was the laughter of the audience and Charles Kennedy saying, "Well, we are the Liberal Party after all!"
I was then taken into the foyer and pushed face up against the wall with my arms up my back while I pulled faces for the press photographers flashing away.
While all pandemonium was going on, another security guard came out of the hall clutching my empty suit and I was led into the nearby toilets to get dressed. As I was putting my suit back together another security guard came in and asked me if I was "that fella?". When I nodded he smiled and gave me the thumbs up.
Two policemen then came in and the guard started to speak in my defence saying that I showed a lapse in security by getting on stage and that I could have had a knife or anything intending to harm Mr Kennedy. As I was led out, I thanked him for his support and was then taken to a police car and onto Fulham police station.
When I arrived I was taken to the charge room and stood there with my arse hanging out the back of my kecks, as again they'd split open, while the desk sergeant was told about what had just happened.
He then asked me if I was the guy who streaked all over the place and when I said 'yes' he brought a smile to my face with what he said next.
''It's a criminal offence if you get charged for doing what you do. I think it's great!"
I then asked him if he was my dad?
He then asked me what I had written on me this time, so I turned around and showed him my arse and opened my shirt to reveal the rest, which got a laugh from everyone in the room.
I was then told that I was just going to be locked up for twenty minutes until the conference was over and then released without charge. The night was getting better and better, or so I thought!
After ten minutes, my cell door was opened and I was told that the powers that be wanted me charged, even though the Sergeant had spoken out in my favour. It was what I expected in the first place so found it hard to be too disappointed. I then had my photo took and was knob-printed and bailed to appear before the magistrates the following morning.
When I left I headed straight to my mates house and arrived just as News at Ten was about to start. Low and behold, (or should I say, hang low and be held?) the first news item on, with footage, was me jumping on stage. Nice one! That's the second time I've made News at Ten, with the weather map being the other.
The following morning I woke up with a hangover the size of Barry Mannilow's
nose and headed off to court with my mate Joe.
Rather than ask my solicitor in Liverpool to make the journey down South, I opted to take the solicitor on duty in court that day but, after a ten minute conversation, started to think that I had put my life on the line. She didn't seem to have a sense of humour at all and refused to give me a kiss!
Whilst we were sat outside court, she read the police statement out to me, "Right, you jumped out of the audience and ripped your clothes off before putting on a plastic helmet, then you jumped on stage with the words "GENERAL ERECTION" written across your chest. Why?"
I then tried to explain to her what it was about. "Oh," she said (without a smile), "You also had a V on one buttock and TE on the other, where was the O?!!!!".
This made my mate and myself crease up before the solicitor realised what she'd said. When I went into court the magistrate looked at me and said, "So you're the one I saw on the news last night. Very amusing, but exhibitionism comes at a cost," and promptly fined me £200.
Money well spent as far as I'm concerned.
Bringing to an end another chapter in the "Anal's" of "The