John Aldridge Testimonal

I received a phone call one day from Mike Berry, the guy who organises football testimonials, asking me if I would "do my bit" at a party in the Liverpool Moat House for all the Liverpool players' wives and girlfriends at Jan Molby's inauguration party.

I accepted the invitation and went to the party with Jimmy, my mate from Hong Kong, but became a little wary when I looked into the suite where the party was being held. There were about 150 merry women all in the swing of things and, I'm not afraid to admit it, didnít fancy my chances much! It's one thing running across a pitch naked but something else walking naked through a room full of women on the ale! I needed a drink!

Whilst I was sat at the bar, Mike came over and asked me when I wanted to go on? So I asked him what other form of entertainment was laid on, thinking that I could have something to work off. He told me that there was a tombola, suggesting that I could stick my nadger through a hole in the back when the women were rummaging around for a cork! NO CHANCE!

There was also a female comedian doing a spot and the Chippendales were also performing. I opted to go on during the comedienneís spot, without having a clue what I was going to do. I'd never done anything like this before so had to hope for the best!

A short while later, Mike asked me if I was ready to go on, as the comedienne had begun her act. I didnít know if I would ever be ready but what the hell, letís do it! We went behind the bar at the far end of the suite, out of sight of the girls and got undressed. The last thing I saw before I went behind the bar was the Chippendales arriving, so I thought that I would say something about them.

Once I was ready, I put my hand over my "testiconials" and walked through the thong of women and onto the podium in the middle of the room. The comedienne didnít know what to do so I grabbed the microphone off her and went into mode, keeping my danglies covered all the time.

"Good evening ladies. I see you've got the Chippendales performing for you tonight." and was met with a cheer.
"You've got to hand it to them girls, they go to the gym five or six times a week and punish their bodies, just for you!" again they cheered.

"Then they go on the sunbed and burn themselves to a crisp, just for you!" even more cheering.

"Then they rub chip fat all over themselves, just for you!" now it was getting fever pitch hysteria. So then I said,
"But do you know me ladies, I donít give a toss!" and with that, pushed my belly out, took my hand away from my mince morsels and stepped off the podium.

The cheers then turned to screams and they all headed for the door!

As I walked around I sat on a few knees and threw the trembling ladies drinks down my neck. After a few minutes of mayhem, not wanting to outstay my welcome, I said my goodbyes and walked out, with loud cheering ringing in my ears. I donít know if they were cheering because they enjoyed it or if they were glad to see the back of me.

As I got dressed, Mike came over to me, laughing his head off and said that he owed me a big favour for my performance, so I immediately called on the favour and asked if my son could be a mascot at the testimonial? He agreed and said that I could play in the celebrity game before the big match as well! NICE ONE!

Not a bad nights work. For a five-minute stunt, my son was going to walk out with the Liverpool players at Anfield and I was going to be playing football there!

Now all that I had to do was borrow a pair of football boots and find somebody to teach me how to play football!

A week later, Mike rang and told me that he couldnít get me in the game at Anfield as there were too many people taking part, however my son could still be a mascot. He did say that I could play in the game at John Aldridgeís testimonial instead, a week later at Tranmere Rovers ground.

Disappointed at not being able to play at Anfield I accepted this, as I was happy to be playing in any sort of testimonial and as I had met Aldo a few times in his local I was looking forward to having a laugh with him.

On the day of the game I arrived at the ground and was directed to the changing rooms. When I got there it was full of people off the telly who were also playing in the celebrity game. Most faces I knew, but names I didnít;- except for Warrior from the Gladiators and Eunice Huthart, the overall winner of the Gladiators who has gone on to become a stuntwoman in films.

Whilst everyone sat around talking, I changed into my kit and started to knit myself a nice pair of ball-crushers, not dissimilar to an Eskimoís earmuffs. As I sat and knat, - K2TOG - Mike Berry came in and asked me if wanted to streak during the main game between the Liverpool stars of the 80's (the Kings) and Tranmere Rovers? As if he needed to ask!

He told me that he would sort it out and speak to me later on. After a while, we were led out, but it turned out that Eunice and I were substitutes and had to sit on the bench. The game got under way but after a while we got bored. Everybody seemed to be taking the game seriously, except for Warrior, who was building sand castles in the goal mouth, so we decided to run on the pitch and join in. When the other subs saw this they ran on as well, making it 13 against 13.

Eunice got stuck in straight away, but as I cant play football, I stood around waiting for somebody to pass me the ball. Nobody did, so rather than just stand there like a tit, I went over to the crowd and asked if anybody had any cigarettes. All of a sudden I was a chain smoker, when dozens of cigs were thrown at me. I tried putting them all in my mouth at once, but could only manage ten, so I stuck some up my nose and in my ears to get a proper nicotine hit.

Now I needed a light, so asked if anyone had one. I was nearly knocked unconscious when a lighter hit me full force in the side of the head. I then thanked my assailant, lit a cigarette and walked back onto the pitch for a smoke! While I was walking around, the oppositionís goalie came out of his area to clear the ball, so I walked behind him and stood in his goal. He walked backwards into the six yard box and didnít notice me so I leant against the goal post and continued to blow smoke rings into the back of his head.

If one of our players was running on goal, I decided that I would kick the goalie up the arse, to give our player a fair chance to score! After all, they werenít my boots anyway! Sadly, this was not to be, as I was soon spotted and had to vacate the area. So I ran over to the ref and tried to pull his shorts down instead. But they must have been stitched into his waist as they never moved an inch and was then told by the ref that he had anticipated that happening and had stapled his shorts on with a nail gun!

Once the first game was over, the head copper on duty approached me and told me that he knew I was going to streak during the main game. He also informed me that he had told all the other police on duty not to stop me as long as I covered up my lopsided monkeyís face. After being given permission by the police, this has to go down as the first ever 'legal' streak!

When I got back to the changing rooms I was met by Mike Berry and, after a brief chat, we decided that I would go and shake hands with Kenny Dalglish. I was then to go over to Bruce Grobbellar in goal and hand him a load of £50's in Monopoly money and then go and give Aldo a hug.

Now we had to think about what I was going to use to hide my chimp. That was solved straight away when one of the celebrities threw me his shinpad. Sorted! Mike then went and got a roll of sellotape and proceeded to wrap it around my arse, holding the pad in place, but as I have got wobbly buttocks, the tape made it look as though I had eight cheeks. Who cares, lets go!!

As the game got under way, I was taken into the tunnel and was immediately knocked down by a bus!

When I got to the entrance, the policeman at the side looked at me and smiled. This got the adrenaline really pumping and I couldnít wait any longer. As I ran onto the pitch, the first person who ran by me was Kenny Dalglish, so I stopped and offered him my hand.

"F... off you dickhead" was all Kenny gave me back - Gets straight to the point our Kenny!

This threw me for a second and, because the adrenaline was pumping so much, I ran around asking the players where Aldo was, totally forgetting about Brucie!

I found him hiding behind a Cornish pasty,3 inches left of his centre part by one of the corner flags, so I ran over and gave him a hug.

The response from him was better. He was laughing so much he nearly dropped a stitch from his knitting and said,
"Nice one Mark, see you in the bar later for a drink".

With that, I shook his hand and ran off back across the pitch and down the tunnel, but couldnít stop thinking about the rejection I had from the man I admired most, Kenny!

When I got back to the changing room, I was met with a room full of laughing celebrities and had a laugh with them for a bit, then went home to get changed for the "do" later on.

When I arrived, everybody seemed to be in his or her own group and, as I didnít really know anybody, I sat at the bar with a pint.

After about half an hour I decided to leave and, as I was finishing off my pint, was tapped on the shoulder. When I turned around I was facing Kenny Dalglish and Mike Berry. Kenny then put out his hand and said, "I'm sorry for what I said earlier Mark, I didnít know Mike had set it up. I thought you were just someone invading the pitch" and then struck up a conversation for a few minutes.

Here was a ''King" of football taking time out to apologise to me! I really wasnít worthy! As we spoke, somebody shouted for Kenny to join them. He turned around and said, "Do you mind, I'm talking here!".

As he said that, I thought to myself, "Yeah, f... off, Kenny's talking to ME!"

At the end of our short conversation, Kenny shook my hand again and left me in awe! On that note, I left the party and went home, walking on air!