Fred The Weatherman (Part 2)
(Richard and Judy TV Programme)
The second time that I jumped on the map was on the anniversary of the Queen. I got on the same way as the first time, but this time draped a Union Jack flag around myself. This wasn't aired on TV and Fred just stood there trying to pick dry gravy out of his hair.
The third time, I was actually asked by the programme makers of Richard and Judy, Granada, to perform again for the show's 10th anniversary. I was told that they were going to lay on a speed boat to get me to the map, so I couldn't refuse!
I arrived at the dock and was met by someone from the studio and the crew from the speed boat, who were all top blokes! There was also a belly-dancer, who had surprised Fred in the past in some way or other. The plan was to get us to the map where the belly-dancer was to present Fred with a bouquet of flowers, while I was to give him a bottle of champagne and a heart attack. I was handed a pair of, what looked like, prison issue y-fronts with a fig leaf stuck on the front and told to keep them on! Yeah right! I'm a streaker, not a balloon dancer!!!
All morning, during the course of the show, messages kept flashing up on screen telling viewers that Fred was to be ''surprised'' again later on. Everybody knew what was going to happen, except poor old Fred. When the time came to go, I tested the water to see how cold it was. It was ice cold and the lifeguard on the boat told me not to go in as he would have to go in after me. It wasn't me who was going in though, it was Fred!
Oh No! It's not my friend again is it?!
We set off from the front of the dock like a group of commando's on a seek and destroy mission, at least that's how I felt anyway. When we were halfway across the dock, Fred turned around and saw us coming. After seeing it on video since, the moment he saw us coming he said ''Oh no, it's not my friend again is it?'' and kept jumping across the map in panic, but with nowhere to go. He was at my mercy!
I tried to persuade the speedboat driver to launch the boat onto the map, but couldn't persuade him enough. As we approached the map, I started shouting, "I'm coming for you Fred"! The poor chap must of had the worst case of wind in TV history. A first for a weatherman, actually creating fluctuations in the weather, or should that be 'flatulations'?
Fred: A Good Sport !
For a second, I thought that the boat was actually going to go on the map, such was the speed, but turned at the last moment and docked alongside it. I climbed out and helped the belly-dancer onto the map, then went over to Fred and said ''Remember me?'' before giving him the bottle of champagne.
I think Fred is shedding a tear or two here !
As the dancer gave him the flowers, I went behind them and took off the y-fronts then move round and stood in-front of them before bending over, clutching my bits. Fred then tried to get away, so I went after him and picked him up and went to throw him in the water. As I got to the edge, I looked down and saw a couple of rods holding the two islands together and thought that it wasn't a good idea throwing him in, in case he got hurt, so I put him down.
He then jumped over to the mainland, so I picked up my y-fronts and followed him, along with the dancer. As he tried to read out the weather, the two of us harassed him and then I put my y-fronts on his head. To give the man his due, he carried on reading the weather forecast under very stormy conditions!
Bare faced cheek !
When he finished, we shook hands and the dancer and myself got back in the boat and sped off.
As it was such a success, I decided to throw myself in the dock when we were half-way across it. This wasn't a good idea, as the water was so cold that I couldn't catch my breath until the boat came back and the lads pulled me out. I was given a coat to wrap around myself and got dressed the moment we touched dry land.
I don't remember it being as cold last time !
Another job well done. Mission accomplished!!!