Fred The Weatherman (Part 1)

(Richard and Judy TV Programme)

I received a 12 month ban from every football ground in the country (I am cn avid collector of bans) after I had streaked at the Liverpool vs. Arsenal game at Anfield in the Coca Cola Cup. This didn't deter me, it just made me look at other options!

One day I was sitting at home playing with matches, watching 'This Morning' with Richard and Judy on TV, when Fred came on reading the weather forecast from the floating weather map in the Albert Dock. Then it hit him! He read the weather out 'live' every day and so was easy pickings!

Later that day, I went down to the Dock to 'weigh' it up and see if I could do it. When I got there, I realised that it was a 15ft drop onto the walkway from the quay; another 25ft run along it to the water and then another 10ft across the water to the map, which was too far to jump, so meant a swim. "I can do this", I said to myself, so planned to do it the next day!

The following morning, after tipping off the press, I went down to the Dock at 11:00; half an hour before Fred was due to read the weather. I walked around the shops, hoping to find something nice in green. I bumped into a friend and got into a conversation, but that didn't fit so we had a chat instead. Without realising, time flew and when I asked the time, found it was 11:35. Arrrgh! I was late. I left mid-conversation and ran towards the map, taking my clothes off as I went. When I got to the crowd who were watching Fred, I asked a chap to hold my clothes for me, but he looked at me as if I was demented and refused, telling me to go away in short, sharp, jerky movements. Fair enough, I thought, so dropped them on the floor and tried to get through the crowd by saying that I was a fireman looking for a monkey. This did the trick and they parted like the Red Sea. I then got to the edge of the quay and started to slide down a rope that led to the walkway. (I'd noticed this the day before and thought that it would be a lot easier than jumping). As I got halfway down, I jumped, nearly knocking over the TV camera that was filming Fred and landed like a cat!!!

Whilst the cameraman was wondering what the hell was going on, I ran down the walkway and jumped into the water. Once submerged, I looked up and realised that I had jumped too far and found that I was under the map, so had to back-peddle (or paddle !) to come out in front of it. When I surfaced, I was at the edge of the map and so climbed onto it. I went up to Fred and said ''Hello'' then started my tour of Britain. Realising that it was 'live' TV, I kept my hand over the parts that other beers cannot reach, only letting go when I jumped over to Ireland and back. 

Nice Clipboard !

When I'd finished my tour, Fred handed me a clipboard to cover myself up but, after telling him that I wasn't doing a survey, gave it him back and jumped back into the water. JOB DONE!

Time to depart !

When I got out the other side, there were two security guards waiting for me. As usual, I expected to be arrested and as I was led off, was thrown my clothes from the cheering crowd. When we got to the top of the steps to the quayside, the guards let me go. BONUS! I thanked them and set off across the dock, naked, except for the clothes in my hand covering my bits. 

On your way son !

As I walked, a girl from the TV studio came out and asked me if I would do an interview straight away with Richard and Judy? Too right! I put my tracksuit bottoms on and was taken into the studio and sat next to Mandy Smith, the model, who said, ''Ooh, you've got a lovely bum"!  I then tried to give her one on the couch, but was interrupted by Richard asking me my name, saying we were going 'live' on air in 20 seconds. As I told him, I heard somebody at the back of the studio say that the police were on their way. Hearing this, I stood up, said 'goodbye' and ran out of the studio into a waiting submarine and escaped to Antarctica.

Follow the story at The Big Breakfast (Part 1).